Time Will Tell

Tomorrow I start my back-to-school workshop days. On Monday I meet my new students. I cannot believe how fast the summer went! I'm really not ready to go back. My husband thinks it's because I won't be able to sleep in late and watch my "programs" on TV. While I will miss those things, I'm not ready to go back because I'm nervous. Not "first day" nervous, but "future" nervous.

Last April I wrote the following:

My first year of teaching has been awful. I've hated it. During student teaching, I knew I had found what I wanted to do with my life. It wasn't exactly a 'calling' but I enjoyed my days and went to bed every night excited to go back the next day. It was a lot of fun. This year is quite the opposite. I have a hard time getting through my day and at night I dread getting up the next day to go back. I've begun the countdown to the last day of school (18!) and cannot wait to be free from those negative feelings I've been carrying around. I don't quite understand why things are so bad or what I can do to make them better, but I'm hoping and praying that things turn around. It's okay to hate a 'job,' but to hate your career is another story. A career is suppose to hold a future for you and I'm extremely worried because mine may not.

Needless to say, the frustration and anxiety from work has carried over to every other aspect of my life. My fiance has had to deal with a lot. From the complaining the minute I step in the door to the sobbing at night - the list goes on and on. Bless his heart for being such a trooper. My friendships have suffered as well. I retreated into my shell and only recently have come back out to play. Thank goodness they are so understanding and welcomed me back with open arms.

I do not want to go back to feeling the way I did during the school year. I want to stay the happy, excited person that I've been these past three months. I'm trying to stay positive and think of all the things that brought me into teaching. I'm trying to remember the good things that have happened in the classroom and that there will be more of those kinds of days in the future. I learned a great deal last year - things that can be used this year to make life easier. Though my planning becomes less stressful, all that knowledge does not necessarily put the drive in my heart. You can fill your brain with all the information you want but it can't make you feel. I do not want to turn into the robot I was last year - it's precious moments of my life that I'm wasting and it's definitely not fair to my students. They deserve to have the enthusiastic, creative teacher I know I can be.

So with butterflies in my stomach, I start my second year of teaching. As much as I love butterflies, I want to see these fly away. I hope this year shows me where I should be, what I should be doing. Perhaps next year I will be in the classroom again, dealing only with the simple, "first day" butterflies. Time will tell.